2006, Lionsgate/Pathe, Dir. Neil Marshall - Starring Shauna MacDonald, Natalie Mendoza, Alex Reid, Saskia Mulder, MyAnna Buring, Nora-Jane Noone, Oliver Milburn, Molly Kayll, Craig Conway, Leslie Simpson, Mark Cronfeld, Stephen Lamb, Catherine Dyson, Julie Ellis, Sophie Trott

Every now and then, studios pick up a few foreign horror flicks from the past year and re-market them for American audiences. The majority of these are either accepted with open arms or rejected bitterly by critics and confused viewers alike. Recent examples have not impressed me, ranging from the brainless ‘Wolf Creek’ to the jarringly unexplainable ‘High Tension’. But reviewers (not counting the horror fanatic quote-whores) have set their sights on director Neil Marshall’s ‘Descent’ for some reason. Descriptions comparing it to ‘Alien’ and describing it as ‘pure terror’ don’t really match up to the film itself, but that isn’t to say ‘Descent’ doesn’t have its moments. At times the scenarios can petrify - but more importantly, Marshall infuses deeper themes into ‘Descent’ that make it all the more striking. Friendships, betrayal, and raw human nature draw paths through the movie, contributing to the claustrophobic premises. I could argue that the film could’ve been a little longer, but there’s not much to do when you’re already trapped miles under ground…right?

Three friends - Sarah (MacDonald), Juno (Mendoza), and Beth (Reid) go rafting together one day before Sarah’s daughter’s birthday. That day proves to be fateful, when a freak car accident leaves her daughter and husband dead, and herself paralyzed. Fast-forward one year, as Sarah and Beth travel to the Appalachian Mountains to visit Juno. Juno - a fast-moving, athletic figure who takes the lead with everything - has planned a large cave-exploring trip to an unmapped cavern nearby. Along with Juno’s feisty friend Holly (Noone) and their sister-pals Becca and Sam (Mulder/Buring), the group of six take off with no idea of what they’re about to encounter. Juno picked the caves in particular, as they were uncharted and apparently undiscovered. Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, she wanted to map out the caves and discover them. But in nature’s regularly cruel way, Sarah gets stuck in a dirt tunnel, and eventually causes a downpour of rocks to block their exit. Little do they know they have company - an evolved human lifeform whose predominant sense is sound. They must stay silent, move quickly, and find a way out.

There’s little to say about this cast - no actress truly stands out. It’s the same old song, anyway: act like ordinary folk for the first half, then turn into competitive lunatics suffering from cabin fever in the last act. Shauna MacDonald, who plays Sarah, is our protagonist with an accent - who has opinions (and/or feelings, you could say) of other characters. She channels Cecile de France from ‘High Tension’, with that same ominous stare that pervades throughout the last fifteen minutes as the audience waits in bizarre anticipation. MacDonald is believable, and probably the most complex character of ‘Descent’. Having gone through tragedy earlier in her life, she can’t bear to see her best friends picked off one by one. Sarah begins to face off with Juno towards the finale; the yin to her yang, a good friend but also a good enemy as well. Natalie Mendoza, who plays Juno, is not only gorgeous but releases the spunky attitude that the character deserves. Her voice and character tends to bounce off the other characters, which could be considered unfair. Beth is played by Alex Reid, who appears as nothing more than an obstacle between Sarah and Juno. She is a buffer zone to MacDonald’s acting, and a downplayed character. Nora-Jane Noone gets a few decent laughs as Holly, the smart-ass friend of Juno, but gets limited screentime.

Is ‘Descent’ scary, you may ask? I did find myself jumping back from time to time, and I began to question its method of frightening the audience. Much of the scares are elementary jolts - half-second frames of gore or a screeching ghoul. It’s when the characters themselves start to conflict with one another that the real creepiness comes out to play. Marshall likes the theme of betrayal, one that will eventually flood the story, and one that I will refrain from describing as to not spoil anything. Sarah and Juno will eventually face off, and the monsters surround them like crazed spectators. Marshall’s slimy and prehistoric caves become an arena, and the ending may leave a few audience members puzzled. But it’s not too hard to figure out, really, that humans are monsters sometimes. In the heat of the moment, the human mind can concoct some terrifying conclusions - even if it means destroying what’s most important to you. ‘Saw’ is a movie that feeds off this spontaneity, until Dr. Gordon couldn’t see anything except himself, the hacksaw, and the safety of his family. Also, beyond the already obvious claustrophobia of the caves, Marshall’s choice of a one-hued film - a blend of reds and greys - is a thrilling move itself.

No, ‘The Descent’ is not a classic, but it is a generally positive experience. It has its share of scares from time to time, but the acting leaves something to be desired. I could appreciate the director’s use of darker subjects to create tension, rather than the expected gore and violence that seem to swallow every horror whole these days.

2006, Universal Pictures, Dir. Michael Mann - Starring Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, Gong Li, John Ortiz, Naomie Harris, Luis Tosar, Chris Astoyan, Barry Shabaka Henley, Ciaran Hinds, Mario Ernesto Sanchez, John Hawkes, Isaach de Bankole, Ana Christina de Oliviera, Eddie Marsan

I suppose that Michael Mann turning back to his roots to revamp ‘Miami Vice’ for the silver screen was a good move. After the immediate success of ‘Collateral’ in 2004 (despite its tepid performances), Mann figured the same stealthy, absorbing style would work well with Detectives Crockett and Tubbs. And once again, this is Mann’s impetus. ‘Miami Vice’ isn’t a bad movie, in fact, it can be pretty damn fun to watch. But there’s always the sneaking suspicion one will have that Mann is the only one understands everything going on for the first half of his movie. Albeit solid performances by our lead characters, ‘Vice’ ain’t so nice. Its pacing is out of kilter, ranging from face-offs that could’ve been tenser and sex scenes so drawn out they become self-indulgent on the director’s part. Gone are the flashy sport coats of Don Johnson and the synth-keyboard theme song, as ‘Miami Vice’s palette of choice is a blend of grey suits, silk ties, and blue velvet skies. The storyline is grittier and the violence is hard-hitting - as Mann’s way to attract younger audiences. Before the tape rolled, my colleague states how cool it would be to have a Don Johnson cameo thrown into the story. After the tape stopped rolling, I thought that actually would’ve made it a touch better. ‘Miami Vice’ is too uptight, too long, and not absorbing enough.

Sonny Crockett (Farrell) and Ricardo Tubbs (Foxx) are Miami DAs whose government branch has had a serious security breach. After a tragic shoot-up involving their close friend Alonzo (Hawkes), the two detectives are sent to search out a group of cocaine smugglers entering on the coast directly from Haiti. Living on both sides of the law, they create the aliases Sonny Burnett and Rico Cooper - two professional smugglers looking to do business with the reigning drug lord in the southern hemisphere. They encounter Jose Yero (Ortiz), a middle-man for the DAs secret business and the right-hand man of Jesus Montoya (Tosar), the hub of the narcoterrorism south of the border. The two killer cops begin to make progress, but then Sonny finds himself attracted to the banking lover of Montoya, Isabella (Li), a Cuban-Chinese beauty. While Sonny finds himself falling deeper in love with Isabella, Rico’s lover (and Miami Intel analyst) Trudy (Harris) has been kidnapped by a group of Aryan coke smugglers - in a tip from Jose. The two detectives must team up to take them all down at once.

Colin Farrell must be trying to challenge the late John Holmes for best handlebar mustache, because that thing is unforgettable. Not even Sniddley Whiplash of Dudley Do-Right fame could top that. But facial hair aside, Farrell pulls off Crockett with a much different angle. He’s no Don Johnson, and I don’t expect that - the 80s are over, and although a homage might seem necessary (especially since creator Mann is directing), there’s no reason for Farrell to act jokingly smooth. Farrell doesn’t seem to share much good chemistry with anyone in the film, ranging from partner-in-law Foxx to love interest Gong Li. Foxx tends to upstage Farrell when in shown together, especially shown by the actor’s ability to glide along with the scene. Farrell appears too scripted, and Foxx is just comfortable. A friend of mine mentioned that Foxx’s character seemed token, and I would tend to disagree - although he doesn’t get as much screentime as Farrell, his purpose is essential and interesting. Gong Li is simply awful - a mere pawn in a love game, narrated through a forced English-Cuban dialect. Her character is never engaging, her acting isn’t believable, and her love scenes are a joke. Her and Farrell’s supposed ‘tryst’ on screen never appears convincing. John Ortiz plays a silly stereotype, only seen in movies today - and Naomie Harris’ character gets some great screen time with Foxx.

You may have read earlier that Colin Farrell and Gong Li have a steamy sex scene in ‘Miami Vice’. If you were paying for a ticket to get a glimpse, I not only question your motives of going to the movies, but also your gullibility. These sex scenes are not worth your time and money, they are ignorant and drawn-out results of bad publicity. The love-making are only a fraction of the film’s troubled pacing, as Mann fleshes out too much filler to hit the 2-hour run mark. Gong Li and Colin Farrell make love three times, and all three are unnecessary and silly. (Also, get ready for one of the most laughable post-coital one-liners ever) Gone are the chase scenes, the gunplay, the witty dialogue and conversations. Mann does, however, saves the best for last, having left so much unnecessary celluloid in the final cut. But the finale did it for me - not only was it the summary of everything that happens in the movie, it is classic shoot-em-up fun. On occasion, the action channels the likes of James Bond and ‘Dirty Harry’. Regardless, Mann does not compensate with an entirely entertaining movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to refrain from recommending ‘Miami Vice’ to anyone. But it has its faults, and they cut deep. If you’re a die-hard fan of Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas, you may want to spend your money elsewhere. But if you’re willing to take a new age twist instead, you may appreciate its sublime camerawork and dark style. It’s classy enough but not sassy enough.

2006, Warner Brothers/Legendary Pictures, Dir. John A. Davis - Starring the voice talents of Zach Tyler, Julia Roberts, Nicolas Cage, Regina King, Bruce Campbell, Meryl Streep, Paul Giamatti, Ricardo Montalban, Lily Tomlin, Rob Paulsen, Larry Miller, Cheri Oteri

I’ve mentioned earlier that we’ve reached the Golden Age of Computer Animation, and here’s one of the year’s most forgettable attempts at a Pixar-esque hit. Speeding past ‘Cars’ as the year’s worst children’s film, there’s little to applaud for the little cast members of ‘Ant Bully’. It’s a feeble, worthless picture with drab animation and an unnecessary celebrity voice list - which lays bare the weak attempts on the cast’s part to make any of their roles unique. Kids will find the little critters and bugs interesting (Filmed in Fantastic Technicolor! *cue shining grin*), but adults are sure to lose interest in the story, as well as be a little dismayed by the lack of heart our main character possesses. The main character - a frustrated youth named Lucas - is a poster boy for whining, giving up, disrespect, and disobedience. God forbid kids get a kick out of his rude behavior, especially towards his parents. But director John A. Davis, who directed the equally morose ‘Jimmy Neutron’, lacks guidance when it comes to ‘Ant Bully’ - applying the same frantic nature of last fall’s ‘Chicken Little’ with the brain of ‘Teletubbies’. Like ‘Cars’, the audience is treated to a 50-minute string of complaining and poop jokes and then finished off by a simple-minded battle between the humans and the ants. There’s only so much you can make out of a universe that’s smaller than your average mousepad.

Lucas Nickle (voice of Tyler) is picked on and beaten up by the neighbor bully, who argues his superiority by his size, and who obviously never learned about the end of the Cold War. To vent his anger, Lucas periodically hoses down the anthills in his backyard - in a twisted method to state his own superiority over something. Little does he know that his destruction is being counteracted by the insects, whose kingdom has had enough of ‘Lucas the Destroyer’. Head scientist ant Zoc (Cage) has created a shrinking potion, which if applied, will make the subject the size of - surprise! - an ant. While Lucas’ parents (Oteri and Miller) are off on vacation and he is being babysat by paranoid Mommo (Tomlin), he is shrunk at night and kidnapped by the ants. When put in front of the ant council, the Queen (Streep) orders he live like an ant until he learns his lesson. Along with Zok’s love Hova (Roberts) and friend Kreela (King) and Fugax (Campbell), Lucas learns a little bit about standing up for himself and doing the right thing - and putting his work to the test against the evil Exterminator (Giamatti).

The majority of the cast members in ‘Ant Bully’ give uninspired variations of their characters, making it all the less interesting to watch. Lucas Nickle is voiced by young Zach Tyler, who is equipped with a fantastic cartoon voice yet lacks the proper script to back it up. I give credit to Tyler, whose talent is wasted by the mean-spirited character written for him. Nicolas Cage and Julia Roberts, two fantastic actors in their own right, give overexaggerated versions of their respective ants. Cage seems to pant through all of his life, applying the same tired anger in every scene. Roberts is overly sympathetic and never gives any dimension to Hova, whose role is very important to the storyline. I give credit to Meryl Streep, whose miniscule role is one of the more fitting for the veteran - her ‘Queen Ant’ is a wispy mystical creature of sorts, and Streep’s excessive breathwork makes all the character more interesting to see. Also, the underrated Bruce Campbell gives one of the best performances for ‘Ant Bully’, and procedes to steal every scene he’s in. His overly comical Fugax the Ant is hilarious, and blends wholely with the film’s slapstick homage. And as always, Paul Giamatti wins over the critic in me with his vocal portrayal of the cruel and greasy Exterminator. He’s like a walking trashcan, itching and oozing across the screen with a deep hateful crisp to his voice.

‘Ant Bully’ lacks a good story to support all its characters. Lucas Nickle is written off as just an average pipsqueak - a short kid with thick-rimmed glasses and a tendency of getting picked on. As the story begins with him being bullied, you wish you knew more about this neighbor bully - he’s not even given a name, and yet kids are automatically supposed to connect his anger with the destruction of the ants. Before you know it, he’s one of the insects. He wears a makeshift ant suit, eats centipede poop for food, and learns to climb up walls. Director Davis tries to accumulate lessons of teamwork, forgiveness, and friendship into the story - not realizing that his main character still lets his faults and anger run rampant through the movie. I (and I’m sure other audiences will agree) found Lucas to be one of the worst characters in animated movies this year, battling Lightning McQueen as one of the most self-absorbed jerks to be considered a main character. And at least ‘Cars’ looked better than ‘Ant Bully’ - what Davis offers is ‘Jimmy Neutron version 2.0′. This is a slightly less clunkier version of his outrageously ugly first venture. On occasion, it feels like stop-motion animation, and made me upset how he could possible tarnish poor Nick Park’s reputation in the meantime.

Last weekend, ‘Monster House’ featured intensely scary scenes and mature themes for a kiddie movie, yet I enjoyed it more. So how can I be so hard on ‘Ant Bully’? Unlike the former, ‘Ant Bully’ is meant for a particular audience, and has a moral directed towards said audience. Its result is an insulting movie towards the 4-7 year old category, like a squished bug on John Davis’ resume.

2006, MGM/The Weinstein Company, Dir. Kevin Smith - Starring Brian O’Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Rosario Dawson, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Trevor Fehrman, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith, Jason Lee, Zak Charles Knutson, Kevin Weisman, Wanda Sykes

Kevin Smith’s directorial debut ‘Clerks’ has become a masterpiece of raunchy humor and offbeat dialogue, a sort of memorial to the daily worker and the heated - yet pointless - arguments he becomes involved in. The original film is a dialogue-driven machine with characters that audience members actually care about - real people with great senses of humor. So once ‘Clerks II’ was in production, I had my hopes up. My hopes rose wth every screening of that trailer, and once I was finally watching it, I couldn’t believe it. Not only was this a good sequel, it was the perfect sequel - an flippant sensation, with so much heart and soul pumped into it, I couldn’t believe. Not since ‘Anchorman’ and ‘Team America’ have I laughed so hard at a comedy, and it gives great pleasure to say ‘Clerks II’ is (so far, but it’ll be hard to top) the best comedy of the year. Dante and Randal are back in full form, with plenty to say - after nearly a decade of change in the world. This is not a movie for the easily offended, as it will enervate groups ranging from the NAACP to PETA to the average online Lord of the Rings forums. But its comedy is unbeatable, its romance is believable, and when it speaks from the heart - it’s unforgettable.

Dante’s probably not supposed to be there that day, but when he arrives at the Quick Stop, he realizes it’s in the midst of being burnt down entirely. Flash forward a year, and Dante (O’Halloran) and Randal (Anderson) are now working at the local Mooby’s fast food joint. A lot has changed in the past decade, worldwide and personally. It’s the last day for Dante in New Jersey, as he is soon to marry the hyperactive and overpowering Emma (Schwalbach Smith) and move with her down to Florida. He’s afraid to marry, but more afraid to dance at the wedding - he couldn’t imagine to screw up the most important day of his life. Conversely, Randal is Randal - living life how he wants to, and not letting anyone tell him differently. He’s afraid for Dante to, especially since he feels his relationship with Emma is overly controlled, and that he’ll be losing his best friend. Meanwhile, Dante is having a second thoughts, due to the affair he had the attractive boss of their Mooby’s franchise, Becky (Dawson). Is Becky the right match for him? Does he really want to give up the lousy job he has with Randal to move to Florida? Questions and pop culture references plague the characters of ‘Clerks II’, with outrageous consequences. And then there’s Jay (Mewes) and Silent Bob (Smith).

Randal describes himself and Dante as being the ‘yin and yang’, and how true it is for actors Brian O’Halloran and Jeff Anderson. These two average guys who eventually became actors just seem to have the perfect buddy chemistry - one agrees, the other disagrees. The duo are a regular Gallant and Goofus show, arguing which menial tasks they have to do, or whether Anne Frank or Helen Keller was disabled. Of course, Anderson’s Randal will never admit to his faults - which often lead them into the worst-case scenarios. O’Halloran, in his romance scenes, is an incredibly likable figure - an intelligent yet sensitive person whose fear of leaving Jersey is beginning to creep into his veins. Anderson, who is respectively worried for the character of Dante, gives a heartwarming, and human, speech towards the end that I nearly teared up for. Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith are again the ubiquitous Jay and Silent Bob, always appearing at the right times to mix with the ecclectic humor the director infuses with the scene. Rosario Dawson gives a sweet performance as a wholly believable non-romantic - a woman whose views of “love” are unconventional, yet she can not hide her love for Dante. And newcomer Trevor Fehrman seems to blend in just right with Smith’s little Jersey universe, as he plays Elias, the evangelical Christian teenager with an affinity of Lord of the Rings and Transformers…but don’t ask him about his girlfriend. That’s a whole other story.

There’s so much to talk about in ‘Clerks II’, despite its lack of people and places it involves. But in that one little Mooby’s store, a lot goes down. The humor does cross the line at times, and that is sure to offput many audience members. Joel Siegel from ‘Good Morning America’ walked out at the beginning of the third act, involving a “donkey show” that results in one of the year’s funniest climaxes. Director Smith, who has had trouble in the past sewing together his own filthy humor with serious material (see ‘Dogma’, an irreverent skidmark on his resume), but ‘Clerks II’ does it with taste and precision. The finale has Dante, Randal, Jay, and Silent Bob sitting in jail after their messy goodbye party to Hicks goes awry. Here, despite the occasional curses and swipes, is where the true talent in Smith is revealed. The scene projects a sign of maturity for the director, a coming-of-age revelation for the characters that the average audience will embrace. It highlights the importance of friendship and the life events that can single-handedly alter said friendships, and love - all surrounded by a shell of ribald jokes and profanity. The action gets out of hand, and its offbeat humor seldom upstages the character’s human nature, but overall the film is a massive achievement on Smith’s part. Imagine if Frank Capra directed the Marx Brothers in one final production - ‘Clerks II’ is a part dadaist, part realist portrait of growing up.

This is a very different work that ‘Clerks’, where Dante and Randal are introduced as pawns in the grueling workplace, then fleshed out as interesting and complex characters. It feels more sturdy, more intimate - and dirtier. As the last scene crescendos into a black-and-white shot of the Quick Stop, you’ll already feel back at home. Bravo, Kevin Smith.

2006, Columbia Pictures, Dir. Gil Kenan - Starring the voice talents of Mitchel Musso, Sam Lerner, Spencer Locke, Steve Buscemi, Nick Cannon, Kevin James, Jon Heder, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jason Lee, Catherine O’Hara, Fred Willard, Kathleen Turner, Woody Schultz

Chide ‘Monster House’ for glamourizing its CGI animation and nifty summer timeslot, for its wild kiddie scare tactics, for its zealous usage of celebrity voice actors. But if you’re going to argue that watching ‘Monster House’ doesn’t make you feel like a kid again, you’re definitely not going to hear the last of me. This PG-rated machine is that one-of-a-kind children’s movie that arrives every year, usually in order to pick up an Academy Award for best animation. Rather, ‘Monster House’ is sheer fun - entertainment the entire family can enjoy, as well as scare the pants off a few. Even after seeing ‘Saw II’, there’s no denying that director Gil Kenan can manage to drench some classy horror out of its kid-thin story. The humor is razor-sharp as is the animation, a departure from the glossy Kodak finish of Pixar’s ‘Cars’ and a fraction of the surrealism Dreamworks can offer. Robert Zemeckis, who produced ‘Polar Express’ two years ago, has struck gold once again - a gorgeous production with a hook-and-line premise that’ll leave everyone entertained. It can jump from being funny to scary to even a tad heartwarming. And it’ll make you think twice about your crazy neighbor.

DJ (Musso) and Chowder (Lerner) are two mischievious friends who live in the same neighborhood, and share a common fear of DJ’s neighbor from across the street - Old Mr. Nebbercracker (Buscemi). The crotchety old man has reigned over his block as the most hostile frump possible, screaming and scaring off kids and adults who even dare step on the grass. It’s Halloween weekend, and DJ’s parents (Willard/O’Hara, no surprise) are off on vacation, putting him under the supervision of the rebellious babysitter Zee (Gyllenhaal). But after DJ apparently believes he “killed” Nebbercracker after a scary encounter with him, he then believes his spirits are out for him - channelled through his house, which begins eating those who disturb. Along with Chowder and a lovely young prep-schooler Jenny (Locke), DJ must discover why lies within Nebbercracker’s walls - how the Monster House functions, how it eats people, and most importantly - why.

There’s nothing more comforting about watching an animated movie than when you feel comfortable with the characters. The screenwriters would have rather leave us with multi-dimensional roles than with stereotypes. DJ, Chowder, and Jenny are three main characters that not once annoyed me - their dialogue was that of regular 10-year old kids, albeit being a little too witty for their own good. None of the characters overlap each other, no one upstages another, and all are properly voice cast. The choice of Steve Buscemi as Nebbercracker is appropriate, and superlatively, a great move by director Kenan. Only Buscemi’s meek voice could be so fitting to the scrawny old ghoul, but that’s also to say that Steve even brings out the heart in the character. Maggie Gyllenhaal is entertaining in the voice of Zee, despite being a wee out of typecasting - quite a move from the independents she been into recently. Kevin James, Nick Cannon, and Jon Heder all make equally amusing cameos - a break from recent voice walk-ons, because even the cameos have more than one-dimension. ‘Monster House’s voice actors take full advantage of the script’s wit.

‘Monster House’ never drags. It picks up a beat and keeps moving straight ahead, until it’s almost breathless. The animation never appears too rushed or frantic, despite its horror roots and how it’s garnered towards children - it’s an animated adventure minus the adult headache. It’s truly shocking how young Sony’s animation studio has existed, yet ‘Monster House’ appears way ahead of the game. I guess you could say they just put one foot in front of the other, and went along with the rhythm. I highly doubt its story could be too convoluted for the kids, but I will give further warning to any adults: this movie is intense. More intense than your average kids’ movie, and so the PG label is more than necessary. Despite its (mostly) lack of innuendo and themes, ‘Monster House’ is primarily for kids over the age of 7, and rightfully so. If you’re a kid, you’ll want to be part of the action - like a hybrid of ‘Poltergeist’ and ‘Indiana Jones’. (Oddly enough, Steven Spielberg produced all three of these movies. What a coincidence.)

It’s fair to say that 2006’s best animated feature is (so far) a tie between ‘Monster House’ and ‘Over the Hedge’, two equally entertaining features with different tastes. But if you appreciate a good ol’ monster flick, and wanna catch an explosion or two this week, check it out. You won’t be disappointed.