2006, Warner Brothers, Dir. Neil LaBute - Starring Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Frances Conroy, Molly Parker, Leelee Sobieski, Diane Delano, Michael Wiseman, Erika-Shaye Gair, Christa Campbell, Emily Holmes, Zemphira Gosling, Matthew Walker

Hollywood’s Remake-O-Matic 500 is in full-gear with The Wicker Man, with director Neil LaBute of Shape of Things fame taking on the 1975 horror piece. There’s a few things I must argue first. The first is how, despite its horror not being driven by gore and violence and rather by human nature and pagan zeal, this movie does not succeed. The second is why this film required a remake. Obviously I can’t answer the latter, as it’s one of many mysteries of film critics (and curious audience members). Neil LaBute has been accustomed to helming pieces based around the darker things in life, such as what drives people to commit crime and murder. This already is one good reason he was chosen to film - as well as his appreciation for the battle of the sexes. But Wicker Man’s unflinching cynicism, rousing entertainment, and Nic Cage’s performance begin to conflict with the crueler elements of the story. The dialogue doesn’t fit. Some roles don’t fit. The mood’s been set to a pitch-perfect tone, and LaBute’s atmospheric eye is quite trained. But all in all, Wicker Man could have been better.

Officer Edward Malus (Cage) has been recovering from an accident that left him emotionally scarred, as he lost the opportunity to save an innocent girl and her mother from a dangerous car crash. But one fateful day, he receives a letter from a former flame named Willow (Beahan), who asks him to help search for her lost daughter Rowan (Gair). The young girl has somehow disappeared on the mysterious private island of a group of beehive-caring women. Edward treks out to the isolated strange land, only to find some sort of odd conspiracy growing among him. The island is “ruled” by a supposed queen named Summersisle (Burstyn), who - along with the rest of the population - denies the mere existence of Willow’s daughter. But even Willow refuses to tell Edward anything about the island’s rituals, much less the ever-taciturn men who also exist on the island. With a group of dominating females and subservient males closing in around him, Edward begins to realizes he’s part of something much bigger than he imagined.

Nic Cage, as many of his roles go, plays a very likable figure driven to the edge of madness. His aggravation with the villagers’ odd behavior is shared with the audience, and his furious rants and bouts should be enjoyed by audience members. But somehow the role doesn’t seem to fit. The fault does not belong to Cage, but more to LaBute’s occasionally smarmy script. It takes an unrealistically long time for the character’s irritation to really kick in; you’ll wonder how Edward can keep a straight face through all the ignorance he puts up with. Still, Cage’s raving snippets are worthwhile, heralding back to his classic dialogue with Sean Connery in The Rock. Ellen Burstyn does what she’s supposed to do, and that’s to act old and unruly. She’s a workable villain, but her presence is cut too short. I could only have wished there was more contact between her and Cage. Kate Beahan’s character Willow is plain dumb, and her chemistry with Cage is truly pathetic. You’d think a kiss so passionately portrayed would be compensated with an equally passionate romance. She might as well kissed the Wicker Man instead of Cage - at least it would have made it more interesting.

I was turned off by the film’s abrupt ending, but in retrospect, it works. Despite the out-of-place humor (which was appreciated, but could’ve been done without), LaBute’s final product is a faithful, yet startling, remake. Wicker Man’s religious and social undertones are easily noticable, and somewhat arguable even today. But LaBute’s vision is scattered. There is no successful way to combine dark comedy with deeper, violent themes - unless you have some sort of tongue-in-cheek execution. It was hard to really follow along with the story, especially when the audience is laughing like a midnight showing of Snakes on a Plane. Are we supposed to be cheering, or angry? The ending really becomes an instant buzzkill for some, as they expect the happy ending to coincide with the earlier sarcasm. I respect the directions that LaBute wanted to carry the Wicker Man into, but realistically, it doesn’t fit together just right.

For those who appreciate decent horror, Wicker Man will work for the Labor Day weekend. Its artistic quality is brilliant, but the script and acting levels out to just mediocre. But I can still recommend this to you, since it does follow my strict ‘Phil Calabro Horror Meter’: no gurgling white ghosts in closets, and nothing ripped off of a Japanese film.

2006, Warner Brothers/Legendary Pictures, Dir. Jay Chandrasekhar - Starring Erik Stolhanske, Paul Soter, Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Cloris Leachman, Jurgen Prochnow, Mo’Nique, Eric Christian Olson, Will Forte, Nat Faxon

It’s nice to see that comedy troupe Broken Lizard has gotten back on its feet after the failure of Club Dread. Quite seldom has the definitive ‘troupe’ still been in existence in Hollywood, assuming one doesn’t equate the ‘Frat Pack’ as a troupe. This is a group of five middle-aged guys, bouncing immature jokes and tricks at each other’s expense. But it’s funny, no matter how ribald the content is - and it’s a rarity to see such a group of goofballs be so comfortable around each other. Sure, it can feel like a overdrawn SNL skit at times, but Beerfest is so unpredictable and silly it doesn’t even matter. Mind you, this is a movie basing its entire premises off drinking a lot of beer. Expect a lot of permanent marker tricks, drinking games, and its wide array of ethnic puns. And don’t expect to see some real professionalism in film: Broken Lizard is unbeatable when it comes to the raunch. A great way to finish off the summer season, Beerfest is a gas and a welcome return for the Lizards. Bottoms up.

Jan and Todd Wolfhouse (Soter and Stolhanske) have just seen the imminent death of their grandfather Von Wolfhausen (a cheeky cameo by Donald Sutherland), a brewery owner in the States. The brothers’ grandmother - Great Gam Gam (Leachman) - have requested they personally scatter the ashes in Germany, at the legendary Oktoberfest celebration. It is there that they uncover a top-secret international beer-drinking competition - Beerfest. They are subsequently ridiculed by their German relatives (Olson, Forte, Faxon) for their bad drinking skills. Their distant relative Baron Von Wolfhausen (Prochnow), who owns the most successful brewery in the country, threatens for them to hand over a “secret recipe” for the world’s greatest beer, which is unknown to the brothers. Vengeful of how they were treated abroad, the two make a pact to return a year later and defeat their German counterparts by means of a US Beerfest team. Jan and Todd gather together the nerdy beer genius Steve “Fink” Finklestein (Lemme), the one-man chugging machine Phil “Landfill” Krundle (Heffernan), and beer gaming extraordinaire Barry Badrinath (Chandrasekhar) to beat their Germans for national pride.

Critiquing each performance of Broken Lizard is simply impossible, as they can be treated as one consistently funny entity throughout Beerfest, but I guess I’ll find it impossible to do otherwise. Director, writer, and star Jay Chandrasekhar is probably one of the most outrageous characters as Barry. The character serves as a teammate, but also a surprisingly bisexual prostitute, who serves some indecent, yet hilarious, scenes. Soter and Stolhanske are two of the most sane characters, but remains amusing backbones to the story. Steve Lemme’s turn at a Jewish scientist who arouses frogs for a living is bizarre but good-natured. And Kevin Heffernan, ‘Super Troopers’ own Rod Farva, makes an understated move with Landfill Krundle. However, it is Heffernan that gets one of the movie’s biggest laughs - without him taking his clothes off. Jurgen Prochnow of ‘Das Boot’ fame gets his shot at comedy, and works relentlessly to keep up with Broken Lizard’s offbeat style - and succeeds. The German actor even gets a special tribute to his ‘Boot’ fame, as the European enemies spy on the Americans from a claustrophobic U-Boat. Will Forte of ‘SNL’ and Eric Christian Olson are also very charismatic in their overblown German outfits, keeping pace with the Lizards.

With their comedy driving towards anarchism (not to the Tom Green level, but close), Beerfest appears to have its inspirations drawn from Naked Gun and Airplane. Laughs derive from filthy language and dialogue instead of sight gags, which indicate some sort of limitation on the troupe’s routine. Super Troopers was composed of funny characters instead of funny things, fueling itself on conversation and interaction rather than carefully-planned jokes. Beerfest is fresh comedy because of this: it never drags on a joke for too long, and always keeps moving. The sets - their Munich was actually Albuquerque - are appropriate, and the scenes at Beerfest are priceless. The chaos, the cheers, and the alcohol consumption made the audience thirst for the theater’s open bar. I can see the movie becoming a hit for easily entertained college students and dad’s drinking buddies, as it serves what they want - sexual innuendo, beautiful women, and plenty of fizzling golden nectar. I don’t believe Broken Lizard wanted anything more, otherwise they would have changed their act entirely. Detractors will argue the futility of gross-out humor, I argue what it intended.

Beerfest is bound to find its audience, which was a rarity for this summer’s other comedies. Broken Lizard is a brutally honest group of guys making movies about silly things. Somebody has to do, but they feel obligated to bring it. If they had shame, they would’ve called this Wine-Tasting Party. Drink up.

2006, Walt Disney Pictures, Dir. Ericson Core - Starring Mark Wahlberg, Greg Kinnear, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Rispoli, Kirk Acevedo, Sal Darigo, Michael Kelly, Michael Nouri, Franklin Ojeda Smith, Lola Glaudini, Rod Britton, Brian Scott Fitzgerald, Kyle Klaus

Sports movies are rarely not about personal struggle, so Invincible could be branded as another run-of-the-mill inspirational piece. It has some weak characterization at times, occasionally off-putting dialogue, and lots of slow-motion bone-crunching images for NFL fans out there. And you know what else it has? Heart. Plenty of it, in fact - enough for this old cynic to enjoy the film. Its intent is not for our hero to “make a name for himself” or “get revenge on those who look down on him.” Vince Papale, played by Mark Wahlberg, is a sympathetic, good-natured guy with little to not like. Living in Philly during the bicentennial year was rough of the people, leaving ordinary guys like Vince unemployed and up crap’s creek. Director Ericson Core captures - oddly enough, for a debut - the stereotypical air of a warm Philadephia evening, picking shots from its industrial lots to the dusty stickball sandlots. These shady locales set the mood for Invincible, a film rooted in its heritage and era. It’s a film that football fanatics and suckers for Rudyesque finales alike with appreciate, with a couple of decent performances to tag along with it.

Vince Papale (Wahlberg) is a bartender and substitute teacher living in Philadelphia in 1976, along with his wife of five years Sharon (Glaudini). After being laid of from his teaching job due to education budget cuts, a self-centered Sharon leaves Vince with nothing at all. The young man starts putting in more hours at the bar, run by his friend Max (Rispoli). Meanwhile, his favorite home team - the Eagles, duh - have suffered from enough terrible losses during last season. The new coach, Dick Vermeil (Kinnear), has decided to create buzz by having open tryouts for a new receiver on the team. Vince’s friends, assured by his great talent at football, persuade him heavily to try out. Vince is wary, having only played two years of high school football and nothing more - but when his father gives him a few inspirational words, the young barkeep hits the stadium. Vermeil is so impressed by Papale’s act that he not only keep on for training, but starts knocking other players off to keep him attached. Vince’s rags-to-riches story is invigorated by the loss of Sharon, his love interest Janet (Banks, playing Max’s niece), and the spirit of Philadephia.

Wahlberg embraces the simplistic role of Papale, creating the sympathetic and earnest rookie that the audiences expects. But there is something about Vince, something that sets him apart from the other B-list protagonists that littered Friday Night Lights and Remember the Titans. It’s not heart, but some relentless courage to stand against those knocking him down - on or off the field. When Vince’s wife leaves him, her final note is kept with him at all times. Ending with the line “you’ll never amount to anything”, it’s Vince’s final response to the letter that gives the film a subtle emotional touch. Biographically, Marky Mark’s portrayal does not stray far from the real Papale, and gives an honest performance. Having seen the talented Greg Kinnear in Little Miss Sunshine, his role isn’t as praiseworthy in Invincible, but works in tune with the production. The legendary Dick Vermeil looks like Mr. Brady from the eyes of Ericson Core, but his on-screen friendship with Papale is believable. The lovely Elizabeth Banks has some cute, obligatory chemistry with Wahlberg, and Kevin Conway’s portrayal of Vince’s dad is heartwarming, albeit its cheesiness.

The film’s story is true to its advertising. Invincible is not made for solely showing some eye-popping football stunts, but for telling the tale of Papale. Roughly 80 percent of the final cut is dedicated to showing Vince’s road to success, from making the rookie line-up to training cuts. This is primarily Wahlberg’s vehicle, with Rispoli and Conway serving as the Philadelphia homage. Unlike other football movies of its type, Invincible is really created with the intent of dissecting the player - seeing his struggles and recoveries, cookie-cutter style. It could also be characterized as a family film, as it does not contain a vicious sidestory. When Wahlberg’s on the field, the camera flairs with action. When in the bar, he’s on city-boy mode, letting the Springsteen music tell the story itself. Core keeps a steady pace on the young player, but lets the action cut abruptly. The film ends on a joyous note, but leaves the audience wanting something more. A Super Bowl win? An MVP award? Maybe those weren’t written in the bio of Vince Papale, so perhaps I’ll have to give kudos to the writer.

Regardless, Invincible works. It’s so warm, that its heart is dipped in steaming fondue. Sure, maybe some might appreciate the cheese, because I did. For a non-sports fanatic like myself, Papale was an engaging character and a worthwhile excuse for 2 hours of my time.

2006, New Line Cinema, Dir. David R. Ellis - Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Nathan Phillips, Rachel Blanchard, Flex Alexander, Kenan Thompson, Sunny Mabrey, Lin Shaye, Bruce James, David Koechner, Bobby Cannavale, Todd Louiso, Byron Lawson

I’ll be frank, but there hasn’t been a movie like Snakes on a Plane in a long, long time. I’m not talking about a horror movie on a plane (Flightplan, Red Eye, anyone?), nor a Samuel L. Jackson-as-hero movie (see anything on his resume), but something much more special than that. For once, a movie has shaped itself solely by means of audience interaction - where fans had their say, and the studios actually listened. Is this capitalizing from it? I tend to think that’s too strong of a term, because let’s be honest - if the studio was willing to change the name to Snakes on a Plane, they must have some conscience. The title is ubiqutious: on T-shirts, necklaces, bracelets, bumper stickers, and frenzied websites everywhere. Neither New Line Cinema or director David Ellis had any idea what the concept had in store for them, but their final product is exactly what it should be: a rabble-rousing, ass-kicking, snakes-on-plane crowdpleaser. The camp is unavoidable, but at least it’s inventive camp. One can squint at the sheer improbability of the story’s events, but who cares? This isn’t Casablanca. It’s Snakes on a Plane.

Eddie Kim (Lawson) is a ruthless killer whose last murder was witnessed by mild-mannered Hawaiian surfer Sean (Phillips). The young man, afraid to testify, gets a silent surprise from Kim’s deadly assassin team…until the man of the hour comes to save Sean and kick some butt! Neville Flynn (Jackson), takes Sean into protective custody and asks him to testify as a witness to Kim’s crime - and finally lock him up in jail. But the trial is in Los Angeles, so Flynn has to fly across the Pacific to deliver him on time. But our enemy has something else in store for them. On their flight - South Pacific Air Flight 121, to be precise - his goons have stored crates of thousands of venomous snakes, set to release themselves once airborne. And when they attack…oh, they go wild! The creatures were given pheromones to enhance their predatory skills, and when over 50 people and an FBI agent die on flight, Agent Flynn needs to start figuring out a plan. As passengers shuffle from end to end of the plane, creating suitcase barriers and creating makeshift weapons, it’s apparent that everybody’s had it with those motherf**kin’ snakes on that motherf**kin’ plane.

Without Samuel L. Jackson, this movie is nothing. There’s nothing more comfortable than the “invincible” hero, and in premises like Snakes, we need a bad ass in the pilot’s seat. Neville Flynn is no Dirty Harry, but man, he hates snakes. Whether his weapon of choice is the taser, secondhand blowtorch, or handgun, a ripple of cheers ruffle through the crowd after every kill. We knew who our hero was before we entered the theater: it’s Jackson, not Flynn. Byron Lawson, for the rough five minutes we see him, is laughable as our villain - you’d think with delivery like this, he wouldn’t be able to fathom such an evil plot. And on tonight’s cast of cliches: Julianna Margulies is that stewardess on her last flight before vacation, Lin Shaye as that retiring stewardess, Bruce James as the token homosexual steward, and the hysterical David Koechner as the lavacious co-pilot. We’ve even got the spoiled rich girl (chihuahua includede) played by Rachel Blanchard, and a germaphobic rap star (Alexander). I could have swore I was watching Crocodile 2: Death Swamp, but this was something better. And people were actually excited about stereotypes. Is this the decline of film as we know it? Nah, we just need our distractions now and then.

Calling Snakes on a Plane silly is an understatement, but calling it stupid is simply false. Director Ellis never planned to make some surrealist, bizarro comedy that has no brain of its own. Rather, the script is smarter than it seems. Sure, the title is as boneheaded as it can get, but is the story really that bad? The terror these snakes unleash on the flight is true to heart, and tends to slide some dark humor here and there. These wormy little reptiles have no qualms on striking anybody they feel like striking, and for matter, wherever they want to. New Line lets the gratuitous violence and nudity flail around for good measure, getting its fair share of laughter from its adult-oriented audience. Much like David Ellis’ previous film Cellular, Snakes is quickly paced and never stops running. The adrenaline of the last thirty minutes is unbeatable for the summer - as the plane whirls downward toward the coast of California, somebody’s got to fly the mothereffin’ plane. You’ll believe the Zucker Brothers gave some in-flight guidance to the crew for a decent comedy bit. Lines of dialogue like these are bound to end up in your local Hot Topic store.

You know how every year, you attend that one sold-out movie with the crazed fans fidgeting in their seats? And when the fanfare rolls, applause fills the room? Snakes on a Plane is that one special blockbuster for 2006, and one of the more entertaining dates this year to the cinema. Hell, you’ll even learn a little something from it. Did you ever know a snake’s sense of sight is like nightvision?

2006, Universal Pictures, Dir. Steve Pink - Starring Justin Long, Jonah Hill, Adam Herschman, Blake Lively, Lewis Black, Mark Derwin, Columbus Short, Kellan Lutz, Maria Thayer, Anthony Heald, Travis Van Winkle, Robin Taylor, Skyler Stone, Hannah Marks, Carla Jimenez

College comedies have been on a downward spiral in the past two decades, after it had reached its peak when National Lampoon produced Animal House in 1978. Despite the whirlwind of copycats - the overly-raunchy Porkys, the ignorable PCU, and the revolting Van Wilder - it’s good to see Hollywood screwing around with the college process for a change. For some people, it’s tough to even experience college life, so director Steve Pink and his set of funnymen screenwriters have presented us Accepted. Despite its flailing implausibility, the movie remains faithful to the audience and delivers plenty of laughs. The film houses a lot of intelligent, humorous kids - but there are times I just wanted to chide the screenwriters for writing off lousy excuses for bad love interests and weak villains. Don’t get me wrong - for those looking to joke around and gawk at bikini girls, this is a prime excuse. But when it comes to making the right college flick, Accepted ain’t perfect. Still, the performances by Justin Long and Jonah Hill are simply worth the price of admission.

Bartleby Gaines (Long) has been rejected from every college he applied to, much to his parent’s dismay. But Bartleby - better known as B to friends - is smarter than you’d imagine. Rather than letting his parents down, he feels the need to find an alternative method. Gathering his artistic friend Hands (Short), Yale-rejectee Rory (Thayer), idiot savant Glen (Herschman), and the brains of college-accepted friend Sherm Schrader (Hill), B is going to invent his own college to appease his family. Forging an acceptance letter, website, and then leasing an abandoned psychiatric ward, B is on his way to living a life of total freedom. ‘South Harmon Institute of Technology’ - yes, you can guess its acronym - is a fresh sister school of Harmon University in Ohio, according to its website. But when B’s dad (Derwin) wants to meet with the non-existent dean, Sherman’s uncle Ben (Black) fills in the vacant spot. And when a truckload of kids who were “accepted” to South Harmon arrive on campus, B finds himself actually operating a real-life college. But the Harmon University dean wants to buy their land, so he may have his frat friends do some work for him…

Justin Long, fresh from the success of Dodgeball (note that I ignored his work in Herbie: Fully Loaded), struck some real gold as Bartleby Gaines in Accepted. Long graces the screen with some sort of teenager eloquence, dodging questions and complaints with a simple touch of sarcasm. A king of spin, B isn’t your average student. He’s a bit awkward, occasionally shy, but always willing to take a chance. And with the circumstances that Accepted brings for actor Long, there’s a lot that can be done with the character. Imagine a sauve Louis Skolnick from Revenge of the Nerds. Some day I can imagine him playing a fantastic cynic. Also, Jonah Hill is downright unbeatable as Sherman Schrader, a pessimistic geek with a penchant for joining a frat. The earliest scenes with his character are the foundations of genius comic delivery. Adam Herschman makes his acting debut as the slobbish Glen, a culinary genius with very little brain. Every college has to have its Belushi tribute, and I suppose Herschman does it with some indie-inspired zeal. Blake Lively looks gorgeous, but her skills are wasted on the conditions of an awful screen relationship. But when has there ever been a worthwhile love story in a college comedy? And thank god the screenwriters let Lewis Black free to rant - the movie would be nothing without his stand-up bits on society.

The jokes are fresh, but Accepted’s structure is not. The story is simply unbelievable, to the point where it tends to aggravate me. How could parents be so oblivious to Bartleby’s flimsy claims? How could a college survive that long? Ok, ok - this argument goes against my movie mantra - “in film, logic does not have to exist.” But Accepted recognizes logic already, so how come it can’t take its most dire circumstances seriously? Perhaps this can be forgiven by the film’s final scene, taking place in front of the Ohio State Education Board. To be honest, I have yet to hear such a rousing speech in any recent comedy - discounting Amy Adams’ mindless rant in Talladega Nights - but what the characters are saying actually do make sense, and builds itself a heart. If only the screenwriters had a stronger structure to support this, Accepted would have been perfect - but the fact is unignorable. As for the comedy, it’s tip-top for its time. You’d never expect such wit seeing the advertisements, but maybe I’m a sucker for comedies this year. I beg to differ, but really - at least you’ll enjoy it.

Accepted is a worthwhile time at the movie theater, no doubt. I enjoyed myself, that’s for sure, if not for the little annoyances here and there. It’s a celebration of beer, love, pimped-out dorm rooms, and rock-and-roll. But just to note: don’t try creating your own college. It probably won’t work out.