2006, MGM/Weinstein Company, Dir. Geoffrey Sax - Starring Alex Pettyfer, Bill Nighy, Stephen Fry, Sarah Bolger, Alicia Silverstone, Sophie Okonedo, Mickey Rourke, Missi Pyle, Andy Serkis, Damian Lewis, Robbie Coltrane, Ashley Walters, Alex Barrett, Richard Huw

The prospect of a good Agent Cody Banks sounds irresistible. Take away the childish gadgets, the stupid sidekicks, and the parents factor and you might just be able to deduce a seemingly realistic kid-spy flick. That’s what the UK-produced Stormbreaker tried devilishly to succeed, but ends up pandering to its little audiences in the end. Thirty minutes I could swore, way in the distance, a good speck of potential. With an A-list cast and a $40 million budget, how can they go wrong? Stormbreaker is a child’s fantasy, a fantasy so aggravatingly impossible that parents and older audience members are going to grumble themselves to sleep. But the writer, director, and everyone else thinks they are still trying to keep some veneer throughout the show. And when your 14-year old hero looks 21 and speaks Japanese, your weapon of choice is zit cream, and your villain is a suede-wearing mastermind that’s targeting schoolchildren over the government, you know you’re in the wrong theater.

Alex Rider (Pettyfer) finishes off the day reading his paper about his “family”, which doesn’t exist except for his uncle Ian (Ewan McGregor in a cheeky cameo), who is being killed as Alex explains his scenario to the class. He comes home to his eccentric token American housekeeper Jack (Silverstone), who eventually breaks the news to him. But there’s more behind this. When Ian’s stuff is stolen, Alex recovers the items only to see it be destroyed by some suspicious looking fellows. Well, well now. Ian was an MI6 agent, and has been secretly training Alex to succeed him - as if all those years of plane diving were just a gimmick. So the young Rider goes into basic training to make some future friends, and then embarks on his first mission assigned by head Alan Blunt (Nighy) and Mrs. Jones (Okenedo). He’s even given gadgets by a smart-aleck, easily-annoyed genius Smithers (Fry). The mission: discover the real mystery behind the new educational tool ‘Stormbreaker’, a 4-dimensional pod that can transfer the student to any time period to learn about. The invention is the work of Darrius Sayle (Rourke), whose plans for the machine are more sinister than it seems.

Alex Pettyfer is more suave and smooth than any of the Spy Kids or Cody Banks could’ve been. He’s a likeable actor, but he just doesn’t jive with the cartoony script. It’s not his problem, really, it’s just that he seems suited doing more serious bits in thrillers than this. However, his age is questionable - Alex Rider (in the novel) is meant to be a 14-year old whiz kid, unlike the aged Pettyfer. Mickey Rourke is a blast to watch as a gaudy supervillian, but again the script hampers his execution. He’s out of place - which plays into the story - but he belongs elsewhere. Bill Nighy and Stephen Fry, two great British actors, give humorous side performances. Missi Pyle’s evil henchwoman act is as tired as a narcoleptic, leaving much to be desired. Even the wonderful Andy Serkis’ talent is wasted on stupid gunplay that leaves no real trace of action. Sophie Okenedo and Alicia Silverstone are lost in Stormbreaker, but it made me wonder how Silverstone can still find a job these days.

Visually, director Sax has everything looking more professional than it really is. The sets are gorgeously designed, making you wonder if they intended to make another James Bond. The chase scenes, as few as there are, are exciting and make the most out of every opportunity. And since he’s only 14 and having a motorcycle chase on an airfield, anything’s possible, right? Here’s where the movie begins to cross the line. First off, “ruling the school” is, without a doubt in any logical human’s mind, the lamest excuse for a villain. There are governments, leaders, and entire countries with so much potential, so it’s hard to really create serious enough beef with the British PTA. The script, penned by the original ‘Alex Rider’ novelist Anthony Horowitz, is dreadful. Scenes are constantly cut by some sort of action, ridding the story of any true dialogue. The gadgets are product placements, and many of the stunts are just excuses for hard-bitten violence. Stormbreaker is a pool of kiddie clichés tossed onto a potentially fun spy film.

This is supposedly the first installment of the ‘Alex Rider’ series, but its minimal US release (a meager 200 screens) is not going to do it any justice. It’s a UK thing, I suppose, but even I don’t really see the culture barrier anywhere here with the exception of bad publicity. But as the tagline goes, you’re never too young to die.